[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
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The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.