Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not