One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
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Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here