Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.