People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
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Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.