I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)