FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory