Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Xylophonist Shredding It
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁