can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
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I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Anyone really
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Ah..makes sense now
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric