WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
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[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.