[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
You Might Also Like
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
This story is comedy gold 😂
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.