“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Friday night party time 🥳
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*