If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries