So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
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Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”