ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
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Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.