I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.