DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
You Might Also Like
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.