Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.