Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.