brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I’m not wrong
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.