When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
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Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
(more comics:
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something