If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
You Might Also Like
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Writing, She Murdered.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.