Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air