Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
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I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.