Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
jesus christ confetti not now
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu