Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.