When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*