I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Terribly Tuesday.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.