Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.