Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
One venti cheeseburger please.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.