Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack