*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere