OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
You Might Also Like
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
me logging onto twitter
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂