Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
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Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.