What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
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If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.