huge valentines day plans this year!!
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My typo game is string.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I think they could have phrased this better
accurate
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.