I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me