me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry