Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Namaste
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend