if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
courtroom exchange of the day
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I wish this was real life…
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.