The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
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I want this so bad
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.