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“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”