Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
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BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?