During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You Might Also Like
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
According to math, I’m broke
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
SCARY COSTUME
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them