John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
If a snake ate a cake
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*