For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
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blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?