Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.