this… may be the greatest story ever told
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.