I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
adding to the discourse
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.