*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
😂🤣😂🤣
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.